7 A.M. Open the door, try to sneak in. My step-dad is sitting at the kitchen table, smoking. He's looking at my face.

him: did he do this to you?
me:*rolls eyes*
him: if he touches you ever again...
me: jesus, leave me alone
him: what are you? why you let him do this to you? you're killing your mother.
me: fuck off (running in my room, locking the door.)

I want to punch something.

books write me

I'm reading books trying to figure out the world inside my head. I know sometimes I'm led astray, sometimes this intention is explicitly expressed by the writer which both pisses me off and amuses me at the same time(e.g. 'Goth kids investigated the novel, and, having few preexisting beliefs, took its intricacy as enlightment...mistook their own problems for George's, and tracked Walker down for the cure') and I can't shake off the impression how some of the stuff I read is condescending and meant to be something else than what I take them for. Anyways. Sometimes, I also misinterpret things to suit my disformed thougts. Or to try and format my thoughts. I know you're not supposed to analyze transgressiveness, just experience it, but I don't even know if there's a word like this in Greek. Anyway, sometimes it makes perfect sense. Offers an explanation no matter how fucked up it is, it offers a different point of view.

For instance, this excerpt I came across this morning and made me think: again, it's Dennis Cooper: 'a beautiful interesting boy can be hot, but his body is the same body that's slept with a lot of other people. It'sonly yours in the process of being absorbed" (I have noted next to this: sex, death, obsession, cannibalism?) And the excerpt goes on, the narrator/writer/protagonist says about his "love-interest": "L. will always be tantalizingly separate from me. We'll never dissolve into all my imaginative bullshit."

I know my "boyfrend" likes me very much but still can get very violent. I was wondering why and tried to pull myself out of the equation, something that, believe me, I don't usually do. I'm always aware of the consequences of my actions and desires, sorta. I'm not trying to put the blame entirely on others. The thing is, these lines made me think, that my boyfriend knows I've slept/been sleeping with other people. He feels or he knows I'll always be "tantalizingly separate" from him. Our very separate lives are an attestation of this fact. Maybe his violence is a way to absorb me? Maybe it's his way of believeing that we can actually dissolve into his "imaginary bullshit". But: I have no idea what his imaginary bullshit could be: he already had the "ideal" with his marriage and wifey and kids. So what does his imagination have in store for me? Sex, a week away on an island just the two of us, holding hands in public, murder, cannibalism, fucking me up? Maybe he just wants the thought of us being lost in mutual affection. It's hard to see it that way, though, when I go back home with a blackened eye but I guess this whole notion of "absorption" could be where he is coming from.

introduction

As the Rolling Stones say...please allow me to introduce myself. I'm 17 years old, and I'm still in school and it's exam period. And instead of studying, I'm doing this. Why am I doing this? My best friend, let's call him Andy, says I can write a book about my life, but I don't think anyone would believe any of it, hehe. You can call me Bob by the way, but this is not my real name. Sorry about this, but I can't take the chance of someone who knows me from real life reading this and recognizing me. I just want to keep this place hidden. A place to come back to for strength and insight maybe? I'm here to write and try to figure out the things that have been happening to me, whether it's life itself or emotions or whatever. Hopefully, if I write about it I will understand it better. Me. My obsessions. Why. All that stuff. Let's hope it works out.